Dear Wife,
I’m leaving you. After seven years, I’ve had enough. You quit your job without telling me. Last week, I cooked your favorite meal, wore new silk boxers, and got a haircut—you didn’t notice a thing. You barely speak to me, avoid intimacy, and something’s clearly wrong. Either you’re cheating or just don’t love me anymore. I’m done.

P.S. Don’t try to find me. Your sister and I are moving to West Virginia.
—Your Ex-Husband

Dear Ex-Husband,
Nothing made me happier than your letter. Seven years married to you felt more like a sentence. I watched soaps to avoid your constant complaining. I saw the haircut—it made you look like a girl. I didn’t say anything because I was raised to be polite. As for the dinner, I stopped eating pork seven years ago. And those silk boxers? I noticed the $49.99 tag—exactly what my sister borrowed from me that morning.

I still believed we could fix things. That’s why I quit my job after winning $10 million in the lottery and bought two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home, you were gone.

Everything worked out.

P.S. Carla was born Carl. Enjoy West Virginia.

—Your Ex-Wife, Rich & Free